Today was going to be a makeup post but I have to admit I’ve been having a rough week. When I’m struggling I write and as you know I’m trying to share those short stories/poems here on GrimmGirl more. Being a mother is my favorite thing but just because it is what I want doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult at times. My hope is that this poem reflects that.
A Natural Mother
Today it hurts.
The constant needs.
Till I finally say THAT’S ENOUGH!
But it never is.
It’s always more.
Today I want to say that you’re my greatest joy.
This second I want to say that your smile makes everything okay.
In this moment I want to say that each day with you is the best of my life.
Most days these things are true.
But on this day, at this second, during this moment I just feel…
Like I have never felt more hopeless.
Like I just might not make it through.
Like this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Because I feel this way I feel…
The magazines, the tv, and society says that motherhood should be my natural inclination.
That motherhood should be my everything.
Maybe I’m doing something wrong?
Because today I cried while sitting in the bathroom as my children pounded on the door.
Fingers peeking through the cracks shouting, “Mama! Mama!”
Indignant at the idea I would leave their eyesight for even a moment.
Didn’t I say I loved them more each day?
Didn’t I promise that I would do anything for them?
Didn’t I swear that I wanted to be their mother more than anything?
Then how dare I shut that bathroom door for even a second!
So I wipe my tears and smile opening the door.
Promising once again that they are my everything,
Listening intently to their stories,
Praising their block towers,
Hanging their pictures on the wall because surely they are great artists in the making.
Reminding them to use their nice hands,
To not throw their food,
Holding them as they cry because they hate lunch today,
Because sharing is hard,
Because the room is to loud.
Brushing the dirt from their hair,
And applying the bandaid because even though they know they shouldn’t jump
They thought just this once,
It might work out.
I do it all knowing that tonight when they’re in their beds the guilt, shame, and embarrassment will be there.
Waiting for me to cry into them.
Because motherhood is supposed to come naturally but today…